TESTIMONY

"Recovery IS possible from alcohol and drug addiction. I KNOW! I've seen both sides."

Please let me share my recovery story with you.....

Alcohol and drugs, do you remember the first time? I certainly do. At age 14, I tasted amphetamine for the first time (Philon, in pill form), me and my friend were up all night talking incessantly, we ended up walking from Hanwell to Ealing Broadway and then to Harlesden, quite a few miles, furiously putting the world to rights.

Alcohol firstly came into my life in the form of Stingo's (Barley Wine) a potent mule of a drink, small bottles with a big kick.

In both cases, it immediately changed the way I felt, ridding me of the unease that was slowly creeping into my life with increasing stealth. There was a gestation period of a few years, in which, although I drank and used to change my feelings, it was still socially-based.

I'd had a good relationship with my Higher Power, a close childhood feeling towards Jesus Christ. At the same time, I felt a lot of discomfort within an Irish, Roman Catholic family and church, where the message of Jesus, didn't seem to be a living reality. The church seemed to me to be a cold, unforgiving rigid establishment with little real "unconditional love". Growing up with this atmosphere of controlling religiosity and emotional malnutrition created within me even more anxiety and a growing sense of shame. A feeling of not being "good enough". I suppose these days that would be given the title of low self esteem.

There was certain relief in soul music, it was the time of Motown, reggae, jazz and psychedelia. My love of art helped and in society generally there was a feeling of expanding horizons and consciousness, political awareness and optimism. There was also increased availability of speed, marijuana and LSD and sometimes cocaine.

My father died suddenly, around my twentieth birthday. I was present at the time. Feeling grief stricken and traumatised. I can clearly remember having an out-of-the-body experience due to the shock.

After this, I turned my back on my childhood, my spiritual anchor (Jesus) and all other reference points. I started drinking and using speed (amphetamine sulphate) with total abandon. My addiction took off like a rocket and early morning drinking was a very quick feature.

I used LSD and had some very deep spiritual insights, thankfully avoiding the mental burn out, sometimes associated with "bad trips" due to the powerful effects of this potent drug, which as a dose can be the size of a pin-prick.

My "dis-ease" progressed in tandem with a working life, earning money as a designer/artist but also with a feeling, deep inside that something was wrong, a feeling of inner chaos.

To describe the feelings of inner disease, I will outline that addiction is an bodily allergy to alcohol / drugs coupled with a mental obsession to keep on using and getting the very thing that will cause your inevitable destruction. My mind grew increasingly fearful constantly every day and obsessed about ways and means to get alcohol or drugs. I constantly compared my insides (how I saw myself) to other peoples outsides, this was always unfavourably. As the self-esteem diminished and the shame grew, I started to deteriorate mentally and to degenerate physically. The feeling of terror grew particularly at night, as I faced a future which not only looked bleak but blank.

I eventually, after some bad experiences and a brush with the needle (pure cocaine in saline solution, which had been swiped from a hospital dispensary) managed to leave behind (for the most part) snorting powders.

I decided drink would be "safer", certainly there would be no need of drug dealers or other social deviants (or so I thought) Alcohol swiftly took on an even tighter grip than before. I was soon drinking all day, every day. Drinking my way through relationship breakdowns and social decay. Drifting downward, I became unemployed and unemployable!

Eventually I ended up in hospital with serious injuries (again) self - inflicted in the middle of a blackout. (Alcohol - induced amnesia) The day after release from hospital I was drinking in the toilets of Charing Cross station, a glimpse of the sheer insanity of advanced alcohol abuse. The unmanageability and chaos got worse, the withdrawals increased. Nights were spent wrapped in towels to staunch the flood of "sweats", as my body found it increasingly hard to process the constant supply of alcohol. Which by this time was mostly Special Brew. (Described by a friend, who worked in advertising, as a drink for winos or weirdos)

By 1985 I was pretty much washed up, no job, living in a council flat in London with hardly any possessions. Just memories of a hazy past. I was spiritually bankrupt, emotionally and physically spent, gaunt, shivering and extremely scared, with the constant feeling of impending doom, that is the addict's companion. My back was against the wall and thoughts of suicide began to creep in.

I found a 12 Step fellowship in 1985, at first I didn't "get it" but in October 1985, I became as ready as only the drowning can. I had hit "rock bottom". It is hard to describe verbally the biggest change to enter my life but start to change I did. I had a real feeling of willingness to move forward. This felt like my chance and I grabbed it.

I went to meetings every day and made it a priority, I got a sponsor and a Higher Power gradually. My health returned and so did work within about six months. I was freelancing as a designer again, on a great magazine. Life started to take on new meaning, not without problems but with an ability to ask for help and a solid support network of both AA and NA around me. I started slowly to walk out of fear and into faith.

I had admitted I was beaten and acceptance grew as my clean and sober time increased.

I recently celebrated 14 years of uninterrupted clean and sober time and wish to continue to develop my growth. I am aware of the fatal nature of my addictive condition and so I guard against becoming complacent. I have seen many people fall away, through perhaps, lack of commitment, an unwillingness to get honest, or to face some of their fears.

God's grace (my Higher Power is Jesus again, miraculously after my earlier exposure) and my own desire to stay well, ensure a life, which is not without problems or stresses but also with a certain amount of serenity and calm. I KNOW and firmly believe recovery is possible and sustainable for all. I fervently hope that my story (in outline) and this web site, which I have helped to design and co-ordinate will help you to find the opportunity and grace to move into the miracle of recovery, one day at a time.

May God's Grace Be With You !!"

"Going to Chrysalis"

Being an addict involved a lot of dishonesty, stealing to subsidise my habit, hurting people and loved ones and never thinking about the consequences. Lies, more lies. Why am I trying to kid myself? Why am I telling people I haven't used for one week now? Why is it so important for me to try to make people believe that big lie - is it because that is what I would love to be able to do? Be clean! Because of my addiction and the need to steal from shops to provide for my drugs, I got caught, went to court and got a DTTO (Drug Treatment & Testing Order) for my offences. I cannot deny that was on the 4th of April 2005 and that was the best day of my life, without knowing it at the time. Why would I say something like that? How could I have loved being found guilty for a shoplifting offence and ordered to do a rehabilitation order? Doesn't matter if I wanted to do that programme or not, because my say wouldn't count, I JUST HAD TO DO IT.

At that stage a lot of questions started to surface. How am I going to manage going everyday to my DTTO without using heroin? I'll have to make sure I've got some heroin to have a smoke in my break time, that's the only way I'll be able to stay there until the end of the day. I can't stay there all day clucking, I have to make sure I'll feel good about myself and the way to do it is using heroin. But how am I going to cheat the drug tests? I can't let them know I'm still using and coming into the programme every day. Is it possible to stop using or is it only a dream which would never come true? That is what I need to find out first.

After a while of listening to people, sharing experiences and relating to stories I thought, "I'm not the only one having an addiction". And I'm definitely not a bad person for having a problem and not the only one making mistakes. No-one is perfect. Slowly I started to think that the dream was possible, that the dream, if I really wanted to, I could make come true. And that was the turning point for me, believing, I couldn't afford not to. I didn't make it the first time, which made it even harder. In the end I've got it right, it doesn't matter how many times you try and fail, what matters is what you can learn from failing and be more aware next time. It's from making mistake after mistake, from repeating them and expecting a different result, that I've come to realise that maybe, I should take a different action next time and see if it works. Next time, if it doesn't work, just try something new, even if it is still not working, just keep choosing a different solution and one day, I know I'll have it right, but until then I will not be defeated.

Everyone in my group were heroin users and when I managed to give my first negative results (negative for opiates), I felt better about myself and more aware of what was happening in my group. For me, it was obvious that everyone in the group was still using and I couldn't see any of them at least thinking about trying to stop. I felt like it didn't matter to them, or anything the facilitators would say or try to make them see some sense, like they managed to do with me, because they just weren't interested at all. They just wanted to get on with the order and use at the same time and try not to get breached or in trouble if possible. As long as they could managed to finish the order and keep using at the same time, that was good enough for them, never mind if when they finished the order, they still had the exact same problem as when they started the programme. Never mind, as long as they could get away with it, never mind the rest! Why was I thinking differently from them? Why could I see different things from the rest of them? That was when I realised that every person is different and every person thinks differently.

I then thought to myself "They are just not ready yet, they are just scared to see that they can change their life for the better without the need of drugs." To me it looked like they were trapped in that same place that I used to be a while ago and that place is when you are in "Denial with yourself and Life". It's a very dark place to be, I remember being there and how difficult it is to get away from there. And us addicts, we always think that we are alone, we haven't got friends, no one cares for us, we just felt sorry for ourselves, when actually none of that is true. I've learned that I am on my own, but only if I want to and it's a personal choice. I can always choose not to be alone and not to feel alone. I really had all the encouragement I needed from the facilitators in my group and because of the new strength I found from them, I thought it was time to move on, it was time for me to go to a different group, it was time for me to leave the people I know, behind.

It came to my mind as a message and that message was telling me if I learn something from being in that group I should know that I was in the wrong place and for the wrong reasons, to succeed with my recovery. I could see people in the group looking at me differently. I could read their minds and I could see them laughing every time I would say something logical, because they thought "She thinks she's got all the right answers". "Just because she is not using anymore, who does she think she is?" What they couldn't see, was that I wasn't superior at all from them, but yes, more willing to change my life, only my life and not theirs. Of course I was different than them, because everyone is different from everyone. And of course I don't know all the right answers, because, come on, "Who does?" No one. But yes, maybe I had more sensible answers than them. All that is very scary for us addicts, to find out about a different way of living without the need of drugs. That is the fear every addict has to come to terms with, if they want to change their lives. I knew if could fight the fear in my life, I could have a better life, so that is what I have done and I have moved on.

I thought that the only way for me to move on, was to go to the abstinence group. In Chrysalis, that is the name of the place I am doing my rehabilitation order. There are two different groups, but both of the groups are for people with an addiction. The difference between those two groups are that one is the DTTO group and on that group are people like me, who were sent there by the court for being convicted of some kind of offence related to drug using. I had to be there because the court ordered me to, not because I chose to. The other group is a voluntary group, which means that people in that group are there because they wanted to be, not because they had been ordered to. Yes, they were the ones who chose to be there, they were volunteers and because I knew the differences between the two groups, I thought the only way for me to succeed with my recovery was going to the abstinent group. That way I knew I wasn't doing it because the Court ordered me to, I was the one choosing to do my recovery because I wanted to do it for myself and not because I felt like I was ordered to do it.

So I changed to the other group and for the first time, I felt like I was doing my recovery because I wanted to and not because someone else wanted that for me. No one asked me to change, I chose to. For that, I had to do one and a half more days than I used to do - and an extra hour every day because I wanted to! No one forced me to, only I accepted to do it for myself. Being in that new group made a lot of sense to me and I definitely found myself a lot more motivated than before. The people I've met there were different from the other group, they were willing to expose their problems, willing to share their mistakes, willing to accept challenge and feed -back from others, willing to find a different way of life. That was very important for me, feeling that I was not the only one who was trying to do something about my addiction. All of us were trying and that is what I needed, to see other people like me with identical problems, willing to solve them or at least trying.

Today, I know that the best thing that I've done in my life is to lose the fear of change. I was scared most of my life about changes and when I decided to change, I found that changes are not bad at all - but instructive. Being able to change means not having fear about life anymore, but looking forward to life and letting good things happen to myself, instead of only bad things all the time. Today I feel happy about myself, instead of being miserable about myself and today, I am not afraid anymore to feel all my feelings, good or bad, today I can feel them instead of trying to get rid of them.

Today I choose not to use anymore. Today I choose to be alive - instead of wanting to die slowly.

Paula Da Silva